What do you do when someone drops the ball on their end of an agreement?
It’s something I had to face recently, heading into the home stretch of my contract with a business coach. Our agreement outlined mutual responsibilities: She would deliver a series of 1:1 sessions, followed by a 7 week group at the end of the year; I would show up, do the work and learn from her considerable experience.
But near the end of it, she went AWOL. Despite assuring me during our last session that I’d hear from her soon about dates for the group component, she just up and disappeared.
For nearly two months, I tried to contact her, and the longer the silence, the more worried, annoyed, disappointed I grew – sometimes feeling all of these at the same time.
As if to add insult to injury, I began receiving weekly emails promoting her business – webinars, free conference calls, inspirational tips. Her activity on Facebook picked up, too. Though I spend less than 30 minutes a day there, I’d consistently see her posts in my feed. I’d send a friendly IM – “Hey! I’ve been trying to reach you. What’s going on?” – only to get a reply from her assistant, promising to forward my message.
And still nothing happened. Unbelievable! I was pissed.
It took yet another email from me – this one, steely and referencing the terms of our contract – to finally get a response. We arranged a mutually convenient time to talk.
Before the call, I spent a lot of time thinking about my contribution to the situation. That might seem counterintuitive. I’d done nothing wrong, technically. But I was responsible for my suffering.
Working as a coach and a stress management counselor, I know well the stories we create – all of us – to make sense of what happens to us. They become the mythology of our lives, and they are rich and unfortunate, inspiring and deflating, exhilarating and heart-breaking. They can help us grow and they can also cause us to contract. And suffer.
So what part had I played in this drama?
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- From the start, I had been disappointed with her response time to our e-communications. Often, it would take numerous emails, over a week or longer, before she’d get back to me – so different from the way I typically do business, responding within a day or two. Was there something for me to learn through this?Despite knowing that her slow response time didn’t feel right, I said nothing to her. I had to bear some responsibility for not mentioning the pattern sooner. While it may not have changed her behavior, it would have given me an opportunity to express my feelings early on in our relationship.That which is unsaid can permeate everything, often in unproductive ways. It’s the proverbial elephant in the living room.
- When I asked myself if I had learned anything from her, I had to admit that I had. A lot. And I’d enjoyed it, too. The work was challenging, stimulating and different than anything I’d done before.Was it worth what I paid? Maybe a better question – since the value of money is different for each of us – is this: Was I worth the money I paid?
Absolutely. I’d even go so far as to say that making the investment was more important that what I learned. That is, my willingness to invest in myself – in getting better at what I love to do – shifted my self-worth to a higher level.
To prepare for the call, I used many of the invaluable resources I use with clients – meditation, journaling, HeartMath techniques, and the yoga sutras – to carefully dissect personal judgments and negative feelings around the circumstances. I was committed to show up for the call with clarity and to bring a spirit of co-creation rather than indignation.
With all this, I knew before I even picked up the phone that the call would be productive. I had shifted. I felt neutral. I was ready.
The call itself felt like a footnote. I shared everything I’d intended to, facts and feelings. She acknowledged it and shared with me about current circumstances in her life that both clarified her behavior and further opened communication between us.
“How do you walk the line,” she asked, “between sharing personal stuff and keeping a relationship strictly professional?” I told her my truth: It depends. Every client is different. Not every situation will warrant the same candidness or intimacy.
I understood that she was emerging from a personally rough period. I didn’t probe. It wasn’t my business. Still, I felt a little like I was coaching my coach! But this was better than okay. It was an even exchange – a high-level volley between colleagues.
And I felt the heart-felt connection we made cleared the deck for the conclusion of our work this fall.
Here are some takeaways that I hope may be of use to you in similarly thorny or difficult situations that life presents to us at one time or another:
- The stories we weave – before we know all the details – often create disharmony and resistance.
- When people disappoint us, their behavior rarely has anything to do with us – it’s seldom intentional. And it has everything to do with them. What we make of our disappointment, though, depends entirely on us.
- While you may hope to get all you expect from a contract, you can sometimes benefit more from what you don’t get – and what you do with your disappointment.
- Money doesn’t merit respect. Behavior does.
- Intelligently investing in yourself can be an expansive step in your development – even if there are stumbling blocks along the way.
- We can never know another person’s suffering until we show up, listen, and receive with an open heart.
Images by Berts @idar and Kham Tran, via Flickr
Jaymie,
Great article. I totally resonate with “assuming positive intent” when facing a difficult situation or conversation. That mind frame is a helpful and healthy place to begin… where good outcomes can flow from…
Thanks for your wisdom!
Best,
Dale
Thanks, Dale. In your work as an Executive Coach, I know you work closely with clients on skillful communication – I really appreciate your feedback!
Jaymie,
Great article. I totally resonate with “assuming positive intent” when facing a difficult situation or conversation. That mind frame is a helpful and healthy place to begin… where good outcomes can flow from…
Thanks for your wisdom!
Best,
Dale
Thanks, Dale. In your work as an Executive Coach, I know you work closely with clients on skillful communication – I really appreciate your feedback!
What a great assessment and solution for a sticky situation.
Thanks
Thanks, Martha. I appreciate your comments!
What a great assessment and solution for a sticky situation.
Thanks
Thanks, Martha. I appreciate your comments!
Great article Jaymie, and wonderful newsletter altogether. I love how you were able to take yourself to a place of feeling good first and then taking action. How powerful! And intelligently investing in ourselves? Wow. Yes!
Hi Dina! I’m glad it resonated for you – thanks for taking the time to comment!
Great article Jaymie, and wonderful newsletter altogether. I love how you were able to take yourself to a place of feeling good first and then taking action. How powerful! And intelligently investing in ourselves? Wow. Yes!
Hi Dina! I’m glad it resonated for you – thanks for taking the time to comment!
If it were not for the advice and coaching you gave me last year, I would not be experiencing the success that I am now, so I really have YOU, Jaymie, to thank for giving me the “vote of confidence” to create and manage my own organization. I had to “let go” of a couple of very frustrating and negative business relationships last year; the people who said they wanted to do business but then didn’t reply to emails, didn’t return calls and just “left me hanging,” but it has all been for the better!
Funny thing…this situation just happened to me again last week…someone who wanted to collaborate on a business project and who seemed very enthusiastic, promised to follow up with meeting notes and outline, etc., has just dropped off the radar and is not answering emails now.
I have implemented a “3 time rule”…if a person doesn’t answer/respond to me after I try to follow up 3 times via email, phone calls or texts, I simply “let them go,” and move on. It saves me a lot of angst and frustration.
Other doors WILL open and you will meet people who “walk their talk.”
Warmest regards, Denise
Thank you so much for your comments, Denise. And brava to the wonderful work you are doing for our veterans with your organization: ValueOurVeterans.com
Warm wishes and appreciation~
If it were not for the advice and coaching you gave me last year, I would not be experiencing the success that I am now, so I really have YOU, Jaymie, to thank for giving me the “vote of confidence” to create and manage my own organization. I had to “let go” of a couple of very frustrating and negative business relationships last year; the people who said they wanted to do business but then didn’t reply to emails, didn’t return calls and just “left me hanging,” but it has all been for the better!
Funny thing…this situation just happened to me again last week…someone who wanted to collaborate on a business project and who seemed very enthusiastic, promised to follow up with meeting notes and outline, etc., has just dropped off the radar and is not answering emails now.
I have implemented a “3 time rule”…if a person doesn’t answer/respond to me after I try to follow up 3 times via email, phone calls or texts, I simply “let them go,” and move on. It saves me a lot of angst and frustration.
Other doors WILL open and you will meet people who “walk their talk.”
Warmest regards, Denise
Thank you so much for your comments, Denise. And brava to the wonderful work you are doing for our veterans with your organization: ValueOurVeterans.com
Warm wishes and appreciation~
Hi Jaymie,
Writing about a personal experience such as this in a public forum takes courage. I have learned, finally, that having expectations of people and then being disappointed because they didn’t live up to them is wrong thinking. I love that you stopped and stood outside of it and asked “how have I contributed to this situation?”
I look forward to reading your newsletters each month, I always take so much away.
Thank you,
Lisa I
Thanks for your comment, Lisa!
Hi Jaymie,
Writing about a personal experience such as this in a public forum takes courage. I have learned, finally, that having expectations of people and then being disappointed because they didn’t live up to them is wrong thinking. I love that you stopped and stood outside of it and asked “how have I contributed to this situation?”
I look forward to reading your newsletters each month, I always take so much away.
Thank you,
Lisa I
Thanks for your comment, Lisa!